I am going to tell you more. I want you to know that this must come
out slowly. We are going to talk in a form of doublespeak for the day.
Many of you will read this and assume that it is a schizophrenic. Most
of you will lose interest at that point and move onto real literature to
have a look at. There are many choices we make each day of what to
read, what to eat, and what to consume. This is a general way to stating
this. These things mean something to me. It's like shorthand because I
can come back and read this to understand what I meant.
Some
people will read this. They won't see the code. They won't understand
what I am talking about. It will seem like doublespeak to some of you,
but this is not anything about being a spy. I'm not trying to encode my
ideas to send them off to another government. I am trying to write out
stuff that will be useful later.
I can feel you
wanting to knock me down. There are several sharks who want to make sure
I don't feel good. This is kind of a tragedy in life. We are going to
talk about this a bit. People stifling each others creativity in
competitive behaviors. I would imagine taking an emotional letter which a
distraught person wrote you is a competitive action. I'm talking about
Lynda Walsh. How she might be somebody who isn't in touch with her
feelings. She can't express sorrow. She chooses to make fun of it
instead. She can take somebody's letter and read it at a comedy club.
She has that much power that she can make fun of you in front of people
who are paying to see it.
This is something that
makes you pathetic. You tried to find comfort by telling her your awful
feeling. She didn't bother sympathizing. That is how she is. She will
take your feelings up on stage and show everybody how funny it is when
crazy people send somebody as important as her these messages.
She
would say she gets 30 messages like that a week. That she reads the
best ones up on stage for people to laugh at. I can understand what kind
of egotistical behavior this is. Little boys are told to not be a girl.
They aren't allowed to cry. People aren't supposed to be weak enough to
cry. Lynda doesn't cry. Lynda is strong enough to make fun of people
who cry. She can make fun of them on a broad scale and many people will
laugh.
Friday, June 27, 2014
Kundalini Pain
Kundalini energy builds up inside my system. This is something which
is not talked about by too many people. I have too much burning energy
resting on my heart. I come to the computer to type this out so I can
move the energy out of my system. I want you to think about this idea of
electricity. Electricity is a better way of describing this energy. I
was using the idea of plumbing in the previous piece. This idea of
electricity is a better one because it has better associations.
There is a use for foul waste materials. We all understand where manure comes from. Rejecting material from our bodies does not eliminate it's existence. I want you to think about this idea for a little bit. Things do not stop existing very much. I want you to think about that. We are going to talk more. I will say this very slowly. There is a reason I write in this diluted manner. There are some people who will be reading this. They will not like me. I will have to psychically empath what they feel.
If I were to write in a formal style this would be very poorly received. They want to make fun of me. They want to find the errors. They want it to be stupid. They need something to make them feel better. They need this joke of Andrea Cooke who is so dumb and stupid that she actually thinks she can write. This cheers them up when they see this stupid girl writing.
This sounds like a self depreciating sense of humor when I word it that way. People will want to comfort me and tell me how good I am. I do not seek that and I feel another psychic perception. I feel the envy when I start sounding smart. I feel the envy. It too distracts me from what I really want to say.
There is a use for foul waste materials. We all understand where manure comes from. Rejecting material from our bodies does not eliminate it's existence. I want you to think about this idea for a little bit. Things do not stop existing very much. I want you to think about that. We are going to talk more. I will say this very slowly. There is a reason I write in this diluted manner. There are some people who will be reading this. They will not like me. I will have to psychically empath what they feel.
If I were to write in a formal style this would be very poorly received. They want to make fun of me. They want to find the errors. They want it to be stupid. They need something to make them feel better. They need this joke of Andrea Cooke who is so dumb and stupid that she actually thinks she can write. This cheers them up when they see this stupid girl writing.
This sounds like a self depreciating sense of humor when I word it that way. People will want to comfort me and tell me how good I am. I do not seek that and I feel another psychic perception. I feel the envy when I start sounding smart. I feel the envy. It too distracts me from what I really want to say.
Damage Hurting Hurt
There are traumatic experiences.
Kundalini awakening brings those
out. Andrea has cried for a decade. People don't want to understand
this. Andrea has a burning pain in her arm. People want to think that it
has
to do with her heart. It is a fluid, moving energy. It will float up all
the way to her back. It will move around. It will pinch against her
heart. It builds up into psychic pressures. It becomes a bit of a
conduit.
'This is what I want to make fun of.'
Crying is what you would make fun of. Crying. The tears falling down. These tears that won't stop falling from somebody who is feeling a lot of pain. The pain builds up and it pressures. Andrea can feel your skeptical thoughts. She can almost hear you thinking about how everybody goes through that. The pain builds up a little bit. She is beginning to connect to you. She can understand she is feeling your trauma. This is beginning to come through. There is something that really bothers you about this. Andrea can guess what it is. You want to think that Andrea isn't special. That she couldn't have a mystical experience. You want to assume you would have one. You want to think it would happen to you. We are going to explain this further. This is one problem with having an experience like this.
There is nobody who would want to believe you. You would have to become a bit of a joke. You'd have to get used to people not taking you seriously. You'd have to find ways to cope. People don't take these things seriously. Andrea has a memory of a collection of smirks. She can see people smirking as soon as she brings up the topic. People want to think these things are reserved for a guru in India who sits on a yoga mat. This is counter to evolution. Race and culture are not what it is about.
We are going to talk about this further. We are going to talk about it quite slow. Andrea can see you thinking. Somebody who is a big jerk. Andrea can see his mind is a bit open. This is not something she knows. She has just seen a facial feature. This is what she would know.
'This is what I want to make fun of.'
Crying is what you would make fun of. Crying. The tears falling down. These tears that won't stop falling from somebody who is feeling a lot of pain. The pain builds up and it pressures. Andrea can feel your skeptical thoughts. She can almost hear you thinking about how everybody goes through that. The pain builds up a little bit. She is beginning to connect to you. She can understand she is feeling your trauma. This is beginning to come through. There is something that really bothers you about this. Andrea can guess what it is. You want to think that Andrea isn't special. That she couldn't have a mystical experience. You want to assume you would have one. You want to think it would happen to you. We are going to explain this further. This is one problem with having an experience like this.
There is nobody who would want to believe you. You would have to become a bit of a joke. You'd have to get used to people not taking you seriously. You'd have to find ways to cope. People don't take these things seriously. Andrea has a memory of a collection of smirks. She can see people smirking as soon as she brings up the topic. People want to think these things are reserved for a guru in India who sits on a yoga mat. This is counter to evolution. Race and culture are not what it is about.
We are going to talk about this further. We are going to talk about it quite slow. Andrea can see you thinking. Somebody who is a big jerk. Andrea can see his mind is a bit open. This is not something she knows. She has just seen a facial feature. This is what she would know.
Pains For Crying
There are painful feelings. This is something we know. Kundalini energy is not something that is often talked about. You
don't understand what it's like to have a mother who is very fat. You
don't want to think about how painful. You don't want to think how it
feels. You don't want to think about how hurtful it would be to have a
parent who doesn't care about you. To not have any other family. To not
have anybody at all. To be outcast from the rest of the family. To have
nobody who calls. To have nobody to talk to. To have nobody who cares.
To never get much for Christmas. To not have anybody to spend
Thanksgiving with.
These things can really begin to hurt. Nobody wants to complain about how hurtful is. Most people want to cry on their own. Most people don't cry in public. Most people don't cry on Queen Street. Most people don't cry almost every day. This is what happens when there is too much kundalini energy. It pressures and pressures and burns inside you. The more trauma you have the worse it is. It clears away childhood trauma by forcing you to go through it again. The experiences come back and they are painful. This is emotional debris. These are some hurtful experiences. This is what would happen to you or he.
These things can really begin to hurt. Nobody wants to complain about how hurtful is. Most people want to cry on their own. Most people don't cry in public. Most people don't cry on Queen Street. Most people don't cry almost every day. This is what happens when there is too much kundalini energy. It pressures and pressures and burns inside you. The more trauma you have the worse it is. It clears away childhood trauma by forcing you to go through it again. The experiences come back and they are painful. This is emotional debris. These are some hurtful experiences. This is what would happen to you or he.
Hateful Hateful Hurt
I really don't want to do this writing. I really wish I didn't have
to. I am awake and I didn't want to be. I wanted to relax for a while. I
immediately think of my mother criticizing me for sleeping in. My
mother finds anything to criticize me about. She likes to make me feel
like I am not doing anything right. She likes to make me feel like
everything I do is wrong. She shows very little interest in anything
good. I don't care if she's interested. Most people really aren't. I
don't understand why anybody does anything. I want to think about it for
a while. Sometimes all art seems pointless. I don't know what a picture
can solve. I really don't want to think about it. You might want to
think my mother discourages me because she's not an artist. My mother is
an artist. She is competitive. She doesn't care about anything I do.
She has always been very critical of anything I do. She never finds anything good. She rarely compliments me on anything. It is only once in a while. It is kind of a horrible feeling. I have to feel guilt because she tried for one day. I want to be able to express how painful this is. I feel guilty for the 10 times she did something nice. This is very common. We know what this is like. Many people go through this, but most don't talk about it. Lots of people don't get very much encouragement.
I really wish it was different. I hurt inside very deeply. I know how my mother is. She doesn't really want me to paint. My grandmother was the one who encouraged me. My grandmother was the one who bought me art supplies. I will say that my mother did once. My mother would sometimes buy me art supplies. My mother wasn't very encouraging. She never even let me know I won an honorable mention in a drawing contest when I was in kindergarten. I found this on a paper when I was a teenager.
She never really liked me doing art. I guess I did a lot when I was a kid. It was my way to spend my time. I used to draw lots of pictures. I wanted to be a fashion designer. I really liked the idea of doing that. I liked the idea of impractical clothing. Something you would only wear once. Clothing that was art was what I wanted. I really liked the idea of doing this. I wanted to be a fashion designer. I tried to start a fashion designing club at school. The teacher really liked this idea. We didn't do much with this club. The teacher had a memory of something she did when she was young. She brought in an 'Archie' comic she had saved for many years. She had designed an outfit for one of the characters. They used it inside this issue.
I really hate having pains. It's one of the main reasons I do this writing. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else to do. I hurt inside very deeply. I want to be able to be free. I hate having harassing energy enter my system. I hate being ridiculed inside my head. I try to get everybody else's attention to draw the negative energy away. If I make too many positive changes I feel like this energy gets enraged.
This is why I am so upset. I want to change my life quite a bit. I feel like I can't post anything positive without having to deal with this. I can't feel comfortable talking about my new job. I feel paranoid that she will show up at my work. I've put the company I work at for the sake of pride. I get afraid that she would try to come there and beat me up. I really wish I could live differently. I really wish it wasn't this way. I really wish I could live a different life. I wish this energy would go away.
She has always been very critical of anything I do. She never finds anything good. She rarely compliments me on anything. It is only once in a while. It is kind of a horrible feeling. I have to feel guilt because she tried for one day. I want to be able to express how painful this is. I feel guilty for the 10 times she did something nice. This is very common. We know what this is like. Many people go through this, but most don't talk about it. Lots of people don't get very much encouragement.
I really wish it was different. I hurt inside very deeply. I know how my mother is. She doesn't really want me to paint. My grandmother was the one who encouraged me. My grandmother was the one who bought me art supplies. I will say that my mother did once. My mother would sometimes buy me art supplies. My mother wasn't very encouraging. She never even let me know I won an honorable mention in a drawing contest when I was in kindergarten. I found this on a paper when I was a teenager.
She never really liked me doing art. I guess I did a lot when I was a kid. It was my way to spend my time. I used to draw lots of pictures. I wanted to be a fashion designer. I really liked the idea of doing that. I liked the idea of impractical clothing. Something you would only wear once. Clothing that was art was what I wanted. I really liked the idea of doing this. I wanted to be a fashion designer. I tried to start a fashion designing club at school. The teacher really liked this idea. We didn't do much with this club. The teacher had a memory of something she did when she was young. She brought in an 'Archie' comic she had saved for many years. She had designed an outfit for one of the characters. They used it inside this issue.
I really hate having pains. It's one of the main reasons I do this writing. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else to do. I hurt inside very deeply. I want to be able to be free. I hate having harassing energy enter my system. I hate being ridiculed inside my head. I try to get everybody else's attention to draw the negative energy away. If I make too many positive changes I feel like this energy gets enraged.
This is why I am so upset. I want to change my life quite a bit. I feel like I can't post anything positive without having to deal with this. I can't feel comfortable talking about my new job. I feel paranoid that she will show up at my work. I've put the company I work at for the sake of pride. I get afraid that she would try to come there and beat me up. I really wish I could live differently. I really wish it wasn't this way. I really wish I could live a different life. I wish this energy would go away.
Hurtful Hating Hurt
I really wish I could live my life. This is how painful it is. I want
you to leave me alone. These are irrational words. Somebody is
bothering me on the inside. I am getting her insulting me in my head. I
feel her typing out gossipy things and sending off messages. I really
wish I didn't know them. I really wish we hadn't met. They don't make me
feel very happy. It's not something that seems that great. I really
wish I could enjoy my life. I deleted everyone. I went and messaged a
lot of people. My Holy Guardian Angel told me to. I know I have a bad
habit which I have clung to throughout my whole life. Avoiding
situations. Avoiding all the strife. Avoiding conflict as much as I can.
Avoiding picking up the phone. Avoiding sending messages. Spending all
my time alone. I find intimacy very threatening. I find it very hard to
trust any person. To spend time with anyone. I really wish I could. I
really wish I felt safe. I wish these people weren't bothering me.
'I want it to be that she hates herself.'
The woman told Andrea to flee for her life. I guess Andrea's mother probably would have liked that. I wish that it wasn't this painful to not have any family. To have trouble with intimacy. To have trouble making friends. To never feel quite good enough. To never feel worth it. To never feel like you are fun to be around. To feel nervous and on your edge. To find all situations anxiety inducing. To be afraid of everything. I wish it was a little different. I wish my confidence was true. I wish I was able to carry it off. Nit to have this happen.
'I want you to hate yourself. I want to be the one everybody likes. I want to be able to message them about how stupid you are. I want to tell them how fat you look. I want to tell them how ugly you are. I want to complain about that stupid thing you said. I want to make people think your ugly. I don't really care if you wish you were dead.'
There are people who want to commit suicide. Some of them are little girls. Girls who don't feel pretty. Girls who aren't quite good enough. Girls from lower income families. Girls who have never met their dads. Girls whose mothers are really mean to them. Andrea will remember that. You want it to be a different idea. A story about a cottage. Something nice and pretty. Not a 10 year old trying to commit suicide. Andrea will not remember what would have made her feel that way. She would have taken the ventolin inhaler and inhaled the entire thing. She held a blanket over her head. None of this really worked. It's not easy for a 10 year old to kill herself. It doesn't always work.
'I want it to be that she hates herself.'
The woman told Andrea to flee for her life. I guess Andrea's mother probably would have liked that. I wish that it wasn't this painful to not have any family. To have trouble with intimacy. To have trouble making friends. To never feel quite good enough. To never feel worth it. To never feel like you are fun to be around. To feel nervous and on your edge. To find all situations anxiety inducing. To be afraid of everything. I wish it was a little different. I wish my confidence was true. I wish I was able to carry it off. Nit to have this happen.
'I want you to hate yourself. I want to be the one everybody likes. I want to be able to message them about how stupid you are. I want to tell them how fat you look. I want to tell them how ugly you are. I want to complain about that stupid thing you said. I want to make people think your ugly. I don't really care if you wish you were dead.'
There are people who want to commit suicide. Some of them are little girls. Girls who don't feel pretty. Girls who aren't quite good enough. Girls from lower income families. Girls who have never met their dads. Girls whose mothers are really mean to them. Andrea will remember that. You want it to be a different idea. A story about a cottage. Something nice and pretty. Not a 10 year old trying to commit suicide. Andrea will not remember what would have made her feel that way. She would have taken the ventolin inhaler and inhaled the entire thing. She held a blanket over her head. None of this really worked. It's not easy for a 10 year old to kill herself. It doesn't always work.
Suicidal Hatred Hatred
It has been going on for
close to a decade. It's hard to get through each
day. Andrea can't do things as well as
she used to due to physical suffering. This means she can't be on
her game. It means she can't care for herself as well. She tries
her best. The physical pain interferes with her life. She might want to go to a class. She will be
interrupted a very horrible thing. She will have a burning pain inside
of her heart. This will be accompanied by insulting ideas. This is a
very horrible feeling.
Andrea was 4 years old. I really want Andrea to remember what her mother did that hurt her. Andrea will know that her mother is not very nice. Sometimes she enjoys hurting Andrea. Andrea's mother enjoyed scaring her daughter for her own amusement. You might want to think this is funny. It's not funny to do this to a 4 year old girl. This was a very shitty thing. Andrea can vaguely remember. Her mother might have made scary voices and pretended to be possessed by demons.
Andrea's mother might have done this. This was something that occurred. Andrea had very difficult feelings throughout most of her childhood. This is a very scarring thing. Andrea will not remember. Her mother was very blaming. There were a lot of negative things that happened. You want to think it was a happy childhood. Andrea wanted to commit suicide when she was 10 years old.
'We aren't going to put up these ugly pictures.'
Her face looks quite horrified when she is in grade 6. She can't even smile because her lips won't form one. She will get scolded for not smiling when the pictures come back. This will be a guilt trip. She will feel guilty for not being able to smile.
'I really don't understand how hateful I was.'
This is something a lot of people would think. I want you to think about something. Andrea is really not feeling well. Andrea is not able to deal with how much pain you are putting her through. Andrea cannot cope with how much pain you are putting her through. Her mother does not understand that her daughter is being mocked at school. Love is not what her mother gave her when she wanted to commit suicide. Andrea's mother slapped her across the face. Then she went on with dinner. There was no psychiatric evaluation. Not until Andrea started saying things. She started saying that everybody hated her. She was being made fun of at school. This was a very traumatizing thing. There was no emotional support. Andrea wanted to commit suicide. She tried to kill herself when she was a little girl.
Andrea was 4 years old. I really want Andrea to remember what her mother did that hurt her. Andrea will know that her mother is not very nice. Sometimes she enjoys hurting Andrea. Andrea's mother enjoyed scaring her daughter for her own amusement. You might want to think this is funny. It's not funny to do this to a 4 year old girl. This was a very shitty thing. Andrea can vaguely remember. Her mother might have made scary voices and pretended to be possessed by demons.
Andrea's mother might have done this. This was something that occurred. Andrea had very difficult feelings throughout most of her childhood. This is a very scarring thing. Andrea will not remember. Her mother was very blaming. There were a lot of negative things that happened. You want to think it was a happy childhood. Andrea wanted to commit suicide when she was 10 years old.
'We aren't going to put up these ugly pictures.'
Her face looks quite horrified when she is in grade 6. She can't even smile because her lips won't form one. She will get scolded for not smiling when the pictures come back. This will be a guilt trip. She will feel guilty for not being able to smile.
'I really don't understand how hateful I was.'
This is something a lot of people would think. I want you to think about something. Andrea is really not feeling well. Andrea is not able to deal with how much pain you are putting her through. Andrea cannot cope with how much pain you are putting her through. Her mother does not understand that her daughter is being mocked at school. Love is not what her mother gave her when she wanted to commit suicide. Andrea's mother slapped her across the face. Then she went on with dinner. There was no psychiatric evaluation. Not until Andrea started saying things. She started saying that everybody hated her. She was being made fun of at school. This was a very traumatizing thing. There was no emotional support. Andrea wanted to commit suicide. She tried to kill herself when she was a little girl.
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