Laughing For Hurt

I am going to tell you more. I want you to know that this must come out slowly. We are going to talk in a form of doublespeak for the day. Many of you will read this and assume that it is a schizophrenic. Most of you will lose interest at that point and move onto real literature to have a look at. There are many choices we make each day of what to read, what to eat, and what to consume. This is a general way to stating this. These things mean something to me. It's like shorthand because I can come back and read this to understand what I meant.

Some people will read this. They won't see the code. They won't understand what I am talking about. It will seem like doublespeak to some of you, but this is not anything about being a spy. I'm not trying to encode my ideas to send them off to another government. I am trying to write out stuff that will be useful later.

I can feel you wanting to knock me down. There are several sharks who want to make sure I don't feel good. This is kind of a tragedy in life. We are going to talk about this a bit. People stifling each others creativity in competitive behaviors. I would imagine taking an emotional letter which a distraught person wrote you is a competitive action. I'm talking about Lynda Walsh. How she might be somebody who isn't in touch with her feelings. She can't express sorrow. She chooses to make fun of it instead. She can take somebody's letter and read it at a comedy club. She has that much power that she can make fun of you in front of people who are paying to see it.

This is something that makes you pathetic. You tried to find comfort by telling her your awful feeling. She didn't bother sympathizing. That is how she is. She will take your feelings up on stage and show everybody how funny it is when crazy people send somebody as important as her these messages.

She would say she gets 30 messages like that a week. That she reads the best ones up on stage for people to laugh at. I can understand what kind of egotistical behavior this is. Little boys are told to not be a girl. They aren't allowed to cry. People aren't supposed to be weak enough to cry. Lynda doesn't cry. Lynda is strong enough to make fun of people who cry. She can make fun of them on a broad scale and many people will laugh.

Kundalini Pain

Kundalini energy builds up inside my system. This is something which is not talked about by too many people. I have too much burning energy resting on my heart. I come to the computer to type this out so I can move the energy out of my system. I want you to think about this idea of electricity. Electricity is a better way of describing this energy. I was using the idea of plumbing in the previous piece. This idea of electricity is a better one because it has better associations.

There is a use for foul waste materials. We all understand where manure comes from. Rejecting material from our bodies does not eliminate it's existence. I want you to think about this idea for a little bit. Things do not stop existing very much. I want you to think about that. We are going to talk more. I will say this very slowly. There is a reason I write in this diluted manner. There are some people who will be reading this. They will not like me. I will have to psychically empath what they feel.

If I were to write in a formal style this would be very poorly received. They want to make fun of me. They want to find the errors. They want it to be stupid. They need something to make them feel better. They need this joke of Andrea Cooke who is so dumb and stupid that she actually thinks she can write. This cheers them up when they see this stupid girl writing.

This sounds like a self depreciating sense of humor when I word it that way. People will want to comfort me and tell me how good I am. I do not seek that and I feel another psychic perception. I feel the envy when I start sounding smart. I feel the envy. It too distracts me from what I really want to say.

Damage Hurting Hurt

There are traumatic experiences. Kundalini awakening brings those out. Andrea has cried for a decade. People don't want to understand this. Andrea has a burning pain in her arm. People want to think that it has to do with her heart. It is a fluid, moving energy. It will float up all the way to her back. It will move around. It will pinch against her heart. It builds up into psychic pressures. It becomes a bit of a conduit.

'This is what I want to make fun of.'

Crying is what you would make fun of. Crying. The tears falling down. These tears that won't stop falling from somebody who is feeling a lot of pain. The pain builds up and it pressures. Andrea can feel your skeptical thoughts. She can almost hear you thinking about how everybody goes through that. The pain builds up a little bit. She is beginning to connect to you. She can understand she is feeling your trauma. This is beginning to come through. There is something that really bothers you about this. Andrea can guess what it is. You want to think that Andrea isn't special. That she couldn't have a mystical experience. You want to assume you would have one. You want to think it would happen to you. We are going to explain this further. This is one problem with having an experience like this.

There is nobody who would want to believe you. You would have to become a bit of a joke. You'd have to get used to people not taking you seriously. You'd have to find ways to cope. People don't take these things seriously. Andrea has a memory of a collection of smirks. She can see people smirking as soon as she brings up the topic. People want to think these things are reserved for a guru in India who sits on a yoga mat. This is counter to evolution. Race and culture are not what it is about.

We are going to talk about this further. We are going to talk about it quite slow. Andrea can see you thinking. Somebody who is a big jerk. Andrea can see his mind is a bit open. This is not something she knows. She has just seen a facial feature. This is what she would know.

Pains For Crying

There are painful feelings. This is something we know. Kundalini energy is not something that is often talked about. You don't understand what it's like to have a mother who is very fat. You don't want to think about how painful. You don't want to think how it feels. You don't want to think about how hurtful it would be to have a parent who doesn't care about you. To not have any other family. To not have anybody at all. To be outcast from the rest of the family. To have nobody who calls. To have nobody to talk to. To have nobody who cares. To never get much for Christmas. To not have anybody to spend Thanksgiving with.

These things can really begin to hurt. Nobody wants to complain about how hurtful is. Most people want to cry on their own. Most people don't cry in public. Most people don't cry on Queen Street. Most people don't cry almost every day. This is what happens when there is too much kundalini energy. It pressures and pressures and burns inside you. The more trauma you have the worse it is. It clears away childhood trauma by forcing you to go through it again. The experiences come back and they are painful. This is emotional debris. These are some hurtful experiences. This is what would happen to you or he.

Hateful Hateful Hurt

I really don't want to do this writing. I really wish I didn't have to. I am awake and I didn't want to be. I wanted to relax for a while. I immediately think of my mother criticizing me for sleeping in. My mother finds anything to criticize me about. She likes to make me feel like I am not doing anything right. She likes to make me feel like everything I do is wrong. She shows very little interest in anything good. I don't care if she's interested. Most people really aren't. I don't understand why anybody does anything. I want to think about it for a while. Sometimes all art seems pointless. I don't know what a picture can solve. I really don't want to think about it. You might want to think my mother discourages me because she's not an artist. My mother is an artist. She is competitive. She doesn't care about anything I do.

She has always been very critical of anything I do. She never finds anything good. She rarely compliments me on anything. It is only once in a while. It is kind of a horrible feeling. I have to feel guilt because she tried for one day. I want to be able to express how painful this is. I feel guilty for the 10 times she did something nice. This is very common. We know what this is like. Many people go through this, but most don't talk about it. Lots of people don't get very much encouragement.

I really wish it was different. I hurt inside very deeply. I know how my mother is. She doesn't really want me to paint. My grandmother was the one who encouraged me. My grandmother was the one who bought me art supplies. I will say that my mother did once. My mother would sometimes buy me art supplies. My mother wasn't very encouraging. She never even let me know I won an honorable mention in a drawing contest when I was in kindergarten. I found this on a paper when I was a teenager.

She never really liked me doing art. I guess I did a lot when I was a kid. It was my way to spend my time. I used to draw lots of pictures. I wanted to be a fashion designer. I really liked the idea of doing that. I liked the idea of impractical clothing. Something you would only wear once. Clothing that was art was what I wanted. I really liked the idea of doing this. I wanted to be a fashion designer. I tried to start a fashion designing club at school. The teacher really liked this idea. We didn't do much with this club. The teacher had a memory of something she did when she was young. She brought in an 'Archie' comic she had saved for many years. She had designed an outfit for one of the characters. They used it inside this issue.

I really hate having pains. It's one of the main reasons I do this writing. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else to do. I hurt inside very deeply. I want to be able to be free. I hate having harassing energy enter my system. I hate being ridiculed inside my head. I try to get everybody else's attention to draw the negative energy away. If I make too many positive changes I feel like this energy gets enraged.

This is why I am so upset. I want to change my life quite a bit. I feel like I can't post anything positive without having to deal with this. I can't feel comfortable talking about my new job. I feel paranoid that she will show up at my work. I've put the company I work at for the sake of pride. I get afraid that she would try to come there and beat me up. I really wish I could live differently. I really wish it wasn't this way. I really wish I could live a different life. I wish this energy would go away.

Hurtful Hating Hurt

I really wish I could live my life. This is how painful it is. I want you to leave me alone. These are irrational words. Somebody is bothering me on the inside. I am getting her insulting me in my head. I feel her typing out gossipy things and sending off messages. I really wish I didn't know them. I really wish we hadn't met. They don't make me feel very happy. It's not something that seems that great. I really wish I could enjoy my life. I deleted everyone. I went and messaged a lot of people. My Holy Guardian Angel told me to. I know I have a bad habit which I have clung to throughout my whole life. Avoiding situations. Avoiding all the strife. Avoiding conflict as much as I can. Avoiding picking up the phone. Avoiding sending messages. Spending all my time alone. I find intimacy very threatening. I find it very hard to trust any person. To spend time with anyone. I really wish I could. I really wish I felt safe. I wish these people weren't bothering me.

'I want it to be that she hates herself.'

The woman told Andrea to flee for her life. I guess Andrea's mother probably would have liked that. I wish that it wasn't this painful to not have any family. To have trouble with intimacy. To have trouble making friends. To never feel quite good enough. To never feel worth it. To never feel like you are fun to be around. To feel nervous and on your edge. To find all situations anxiety inducing. To be afraid of everything. I wish it was a little different. I wish my confidence was true. I wish I was able to carry it off. Nit to have this happen.

'I want you to hate yourself. I want to be the one everybody likes. I want to be able to message them about how stupid you are. I want to tell them how fat you look. I want to tell them how ugly you are. I want to complain about that stupid thing you said. I want to make people think your ugly. I don't really care if you wish you were dead.'

There are people who want to commit suicide. Some of them are little girls. Girls who don't feel pretty. Girls who aren't quite good enough. Girls from lower income families. Girls who have never met their dads. Girls whose mothers are really mean to them. Andrea will remember that. You want it to be a different idea. A story about a cottage. Something nice and pretty. Not a 10 year old trying to commit suicide. Andrea will not remember what would have made her feel that way. She would have taken the ventolin inhaler and inhaled the entire thing. She held a blanket over her head. None of this really worked. It's not easy for a 10 year old to kill herself. It doesn't always work.

Suicidal Hatred Hatred

It has been going on for close to a decade. It's hard to get through each day. Andrea can't do things as well as she used to due to physical suffering. This means she can't be on her game. It means she can't care for herself as well. She tries her best. The physical pain interferes with her life. She might want to go to a class. She will be interrupted a very horrible thing. She will have a burning pain inside of her heart. This will be accompanied by insulting ideas. This is a very horrible feeling.

Andrea was 4 years old. I really want Andrea to remember what her mother did that hurt her. Andrea will know that her mother is not very nice. Sometimes she enjoys hurting Andrea. Andrea's mother enjoyed scaring her daughter for her own amusement. You might want to think this is funny. It's not funny to do this to a 4 year old girl. This was a very shitty thing. Andrea can vaguely remember. Her mother might have made scary voices and pretended to be possessed by demons.

Andrea's mother might have done this. This was something that occurred. Andrea had very difficult feelings throughout most of her childhood. This is a very scarring thing. Andrea will not remember. Her mother was very blaming. There were a lot of negative things that happened. You want to think it was a happy childhood. Andrea wanted to commit suicide when she was 10 years old.

'We aren't going to put up these ugly pictures.'

Her face looks quite horrified when she is in grade 6. She can't even smile because her lips won't form one. She will get scolded for not smiling when the pictures come back. This will be a guilt trip. She will feel guilty for not being able to smile.

'I really don't understand how hateful I was.'

This is something a lot of people would think. I want you to think about something. Andrea is really not feeling well. Andrea is not able to deal with how much pain you are putting her through. Andrea cannot cope with how much pain you are putting her through. Her mother does not understand that her daughter is being mocked at school. Love is not what her mother gave her when she wanted to commit suicide. Andrea's mother slapped her across the face. Then she went on with dinner. There was no psychiatric evaluation. Not until Andrea started saying things. She started saying that everybody hated her. She was being made fun of at school. This was a very traumatizing thing. There was no emotional support. Andrea wanted to commit suicide. She tried to kill herself when she was a little girl. 

Hateful Hurtful Hate

A lot of laughter would occur when this fat woman went out shopping. This would be a scene that happened in Andrea's childhood over and over again. Her mother was a huge woman who weighed close to half a ton. All Andrea's mother's clothes were a stretchy fit. Her mother made her own shirts. They were kind of like giant pillow cases with holes for the arms and neck. This was what her mother would wear when Andrea was a little girl. It wasn't a fashionable outfit. It was homemade clothes. Homemade because of how big her body was and nothing else would fit. Only the occasional store bought item would be stretchy enough to fit her. 
 
Andrea didn't feel like she fit in. Her parents weren't important people. Her mother was the butt of a lot of jokes. A gigantic fat woman who was a source of an embarrassment. It wasn't pleasant and it didn't make Andrea feel happy. Andrea didn't feel happy and people weren't tolerant. Children do not understand the prejudice. Andrea felt inferior and she didn't play with the other kids. Mostly they made fun of her while she stood by herself on the playground. She didn't interact with the other students. She often stood over by the wall. Andrea dreaded recess. She dreaded lunch hour. She dreaded anything where she would have to be social. Any time where she was free to interact with the other students.

It really wasn't normal. Not normal in many ways. Andrea didn't like herself and became suicidal when she was about 10. She wanted to escape everything and thought death might be like a sleep. There wouldn't be people to bother her and she could be left alone. She wanted to die so she wouldn't be made fun of. She had a lot of trouble speaking to people. She had a lot of trouble talking. She hated the sound of her own voice.

'I want it to be that you don't need me to be nice. I want it to be that you don't matter. I want it to be that you're not good enough.'

This is how they treated Andrea. Andrea wasn't treated well. Andrew didn't care. He and his cool friends were going to have some fun. Cool friends with nice outfits who don't mind putting people down in order to boost themselves up. Kiki is covered in consumer items. Looking good enough to be Andrew's friend. She spent enough money getting ready and she is liked because of that. She calls Lawrence 'the tongue' because he has an unconscious habit. He has had some shock treatment. He is a man who is about 60. He is a tall man and his hair is going gray. he has a way of talking which is childlike and mumbling. He reminds you of a child when he starts talking. He has a mental health problem, but he hangs out with them. He hangs out in that neighborhood because there is a psychiatric hospital right down the street. This is a large mental health institution. He lived in that neighborhood in a rooming house close by. The neighborhood was being gentrified. Hipsters were moving in. He was living in that neighborhood and he started going to The Ossington. He liked Andrew. Andrew made him some toast.

'I want you to stop hurting people.' Andrew jokes. 

Andrea doesn't think it's funny. The night was called 'Intervention Mondays'. Monica bullied Andrea. Andrea doesn't see anything divine about this woman. Andrea is the one who claims to have mystical experiences. This was kind of ironic. Hipsters like irony, but Andrea doesn't like this. This wasn't a very amusing thing and Andrea wishes she hadn't bothered. All her life she hated people like them in a sense deep down inside. Conventional middle class people with arrogant, snotty attitudes. People who would roll their eyes to show their impatient with somebody with a mental health problem. But, this is Andrew's close friend. This would be why Andrea thinks they aren't compatible. Andrew gets along better with a callous, fashion conscious woman. This doesn't seem very heart oriented. This seems like a bunch of fashion conscious people out seeking faux glamor. They want their box of chocolates. They want their social convention. They want their yuppie lifestyles. They want their outfits to match. They are armed with crimping irons and are removing all of the static. They don't need to sit and read occult literature. They feel smart making jokes about mayor Rob Ford and the crack smoking fiasco.

'I can't let it go. I want it to be that you're a bad person. I don't want to think about how stupid this is.'

Andrea remembers Andrew's young girlfriend and how annoying she might have looked. She kind of looked mainstream. She kind of looked middle class. She kind of looked normal and that wasn't what Andrea had imagined. They went out spinning records. This wasn't what Andrea had thought. She looked like a young girl. She looked like 1980s. She looked like 1980s, but she might have been born in the 1990s. Well, she was probably born in the 1980s. This was about 5 years ago. She couldn't have been that young. Andrew probably likes them young.

Andrea would have preferred to raise a family. This kind of upsets people when they are drawn towards this. This kind of makes Andrea feel shitty. She doesn't realize what it is. She is embarrassed that she chased after him. He would never like a woman for something deeper. They're armed with their crimping irons. Their hair spray is ready to sting your eyes. They are going to tweeze their eyebrows. That's how they will fight social oppression. They don't really understand that engaging in this behavior when hanging out with a womanizer looks kind of stupid. It won't look like a strong woman. It won't look very good. It will look like buying into consumerism and allowing women to be treated like meat.

It's not fun to be bothered with a bunch of irritating bitches. Andrea cares nothing for their fad items and she's not going to be on Ossington. This will not be where she hangs out. She will hang out elsewhere. Andrew is not her soul mate, but it was a bit confusing. He lived right around the corner when Andrea did her divinations. It seemed like something romantic. Something that could have been really special, Something that could have been really special, but was made into something crappy.

Andrea's mother doesn't encourage her to believe that men are worth it. She feels like she is giving in to her mother's negative ideas. She doesn't really like it. It's like a repeating record in her head. Men being abusive. Men being alcoholics. Men being womanizers. Never can there be a good man. Andrea tried to not believe this. Andrea tried to believe that there would be love. Andrea tried to make her mother's weight not about her. Andrea tried to think these things could be overcome. They made sure her heart was ripped out. They made sure that it was hurtful. They made sure it was as hurtful as it could be and they acted really patronizing. They acted like they were better. Them and their nice outfits. They treated her like garbage and now she is not happy.

'I really don't want it to be that.'

It would have been kind of nice if it had been true. If it had been true. That the picture had meant something. That the divinations had been correct. That something had occurred. But, never for Andrea. Not for the girl whose mother is a fat slob. Not the girl brought up on welfare. Not the girl who has never met her father. They are going to act as snotty as they can and make sure she feels that she isn't good enough.

'It CAN be you!' they mock her with a photo.

They mock her once again. The girl with the mother who weighed half a ton. The girl who wanted a couple of kids and a bit of a garden. The girl who wanted a few things more than this. She didn't want to be hospitalized. She didn't want to be in pain. She didn't want to live on disability. She wanted to live her life. Monica wants it to be that she needed you to hurt her. Who would have it any other way? Why hurt somebody who is important? Knock down the girl who has been knocked down all her life. You know who to hurt. The girl who is in anguish. The person trying to put on a brave face. The person trying to pull herself out of a hole.

'I want to hate you.' Monica thinks.
  You hate Andrea for stupidity. This is a shitty thing. You don't admit how stupid it is. You want Andrew to be you boyfriend. You get to sleep with him. You get part of what you want and that's good enough for you.

'I really don't think about it beyond this.'

'I really want it to be that we're just friends.'

A lot of rumors get started. Andrea gets all kinds of messages which talk about Andrew and Monica having sexual relations.

Hurting Hurting Hurting

The pain continues to swell. It won't leave Andrea alone. There is a lot of negative energy. It's negative energy from this whole crowd. Andrea liked the idea of meeting a special man. She wanted somebody who was a soul mate. She thought she might have found him. The divinations she thought were beginning to come true. She didn't understand that Monica was going to bully her. It seems cold and callous. The crowd doesn't have a lot of heart. It doesn't come across as an intelligent group. It comes across as a hurtful group with a callous attitude. 

Hurting Me Inside

Andrea really hates them. It has been going on for some time. She doesn't want to be friends with them. She can't understand why anybody would want to have Andrew as a boyfriend. Andrea appreciates that she used to have feelings for him. She understands that superficial things are appealing. It's not anything that's going to be healthy. It's not anything that's going to be any good. 

Andrea didn't want Monica to affect her life. She didn't want to be bullied out of the art scene. Holding on to these people is not a good idea. She wants to move on now. She doesn't want to be friends. Getting rid of this tension is daunting. Bipolar is what they will label her.

Andrea feels like a witch up for a burning. A person who has done nothing wrong, yet still being accused. She is ready to be slaughtered and killed. Andrea hates feeling pain. She really wanted to have a life. She is sorry to have met Andrew. She is very sorry to have met any of them at all. Andrea thought she was making a smart move and not letting people crap on her. 


'I don't want it to be that you want me to leave you alone.'

It would have been nice to have something different. It's not fun to hang out with a bunch of sleazy people. Their attitude about sexuality is kind of nauseating. Everything seems so cheap. They  make life seem like a shitty, trashy experience. It's a shitty, shitty thing. Andrea gets tired of this crap. She is sick of people in this city. She's sick of these fashion conscious idiots and their crappy looking clothes. Spinning records and acting like a bunch of losers is their livelihood.