Hateful Hateful Hurt

I really don't want to do this writing. I really wish I didn't have to. I am awake and I didn't want to be. I wanted to relax for a while. I immediately think of my mother criticizing me for sleeping in. My mother finds anything to criticize me about. She likes to make me feel like I am not doing anything right. She likes to make me feel like everything I do is wrong. She shows very little interest in anything good. I don't care if she's interested. Most people really aren't. I don't understand why anybody does anything. I want to think about it for a while. Sometimes all art seems pointless. I don't know what a picture can solve. I really don't want to think about it. You might want to think my mother discourages me because she's not an artist. My mother is an artist. She is competitive. She doesn't care about anything I do.

She has always been very critical of anything I do. She never finds anything good. She rarely compliments me on anything. It is only once in a while. It is kind of a horrible feeling. I have to feel guilt because she tried for one day. I want to be able to express how painful this is. I feel guilty for the 10 times she did something nice. This is very common. We know what this is like. Many people go through this, but most don't talk about it. Lots of people don't get very much encouragement.

I really wish it was different. I hurt inside very deeply. I know how my mother is. She doesn't really want me to paint. My grandmother was the one who encouraged me. My grandmother was the one who bought me art supplies. I will say that my mother did once. My mother would sometimes buy me art supplies. My mother wasn't very encouraging. She never even let me know I won an honorable mention in a drawing contest when I was in kindergarten. I found this on a paper when I was a teenager.

She never really liked me doing art. I guess I did a lot when I was a kid. It was my way to spend my time. I used to draw lots of pictures. I wanted to be a fashion designer. I really liked the idea of doing that. I liked the idea of impractical clothing. Something you would only wear once. Clothing that was art was what I wanted. I really liked the idea of doing this. I wanted to be a fashion designer. I tried to start a fashion designing club at school. The teacher really liked this idea. We didn't do much with this club. The teacher had a memory of something she did when she was young. She brought in an 'Archie' comic she had saved for many years. She had designed an outfit for one of the characters. They used it inside this issue.

I really hate having pains. It's one of the main reasons I do this writing. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else to do. I hurt inside very deeply. I want to be able to be free. I hate having harassing energy enter my system. I hate being ridiculed inside my head. I try to get everybody else's attention to draw the negative energy away. If I make too many positive changes I feel like this energy gets enraged.

This is why I am so upset. I want to change my life quite a bit. I feel like I can't post anything positive without having to deal with this. I can't feel comfortable talking about my new job. I feel paranoid that she will show up at my work. I've put the company I work at for the sake of pride. I get afraid that she would try to come there and beat me up. I really wish I could live differently. I really wish it wasn't this way. I really wish I could live a different life. I wish this energy would go away.