Hateful Hurtful Hate

A lot of laughter would occur when this fat woman went out shopping. This would be a scene that happened in Andrea's childhood over and over again. Her mother was a huge woman who weighed close to half a ton. All Andrea's mother's clothes were a stretchy fit. Her mother made her own shirts. They were kind of like giant pillow cases with holes for the arms and neck. This was what her mother would wear when Andrea was a little girl. It wasn't a fashionable outfit. It was homemade clothes. Homemade because of how big her body was and nothing else would fit. Only the occasional store bought item would be stretchy enough to fit her. 
 
Andrea didn't feel like she fit in. Her parents weren't important people. Her mother was the butt of a lot of jokes. A gigantic fat woman who was a source of an embarrassment. It wasn't pleasant and it didn't make Andrea feel happy. Andrea didn't feel happy and people weren't tolerant. Children do not understand the prejudice. Andrea felt inferior and she didn't play with the other kids. Mostly they made fun of her while she stood by herself on the playground. She didn't interact with the other students. She often stood over by the wall. Andrea dreaded recess. She dreaded lunch hour. She dreaded anything where she would have to be social. Any time where she was free to interact with the other students.

It really wasn't normal. Not normal in many ways. Andrea didn't like herself and became suicidal when she was about 10. She wanted to escape everything and thought death might be like a sleep. There wouldn't be people to bother her and she could be left alone. She wanted to die so she wouldn't be made fun of. She had a lot of trouble speaking to people. She had a lot of trouble talking. She hated the sound of her own voice.

'I want it to be that you don't need me to be nice. I want it to be that you don't matter. I want it to be that you're not good enough.'

This is how they treated Andrea. Andrea wasn't treated well. Andrew didn't care. He and his cool friends were going to have some fun. Cool friends with nice outfits who don't mind putting people down in order to boost themselves up. Kiki is covered in consumer items. Looking good enough to be Andrew's friend. She spent enough money getting ready and she is liked because of that. She calls Lawrence 'the tongue' because he has an unconscious habit. He has had some shock treatment. He is a man who is about 60. He is a tall man and his hair is going gray. he has a way of talking which is childlike and mumbling. He reminds you of a child when he starts talking. He has a mental health problem, but he hangs out with them. He hangs out in that neighborhood because there is a psychiatric hospital right down the street. This is a large mental health institution. He lived in that neighborhood in a rooming house close by. The neighborhood was being gentrified. Hipsters were moving in. He was living in that neighborhood and he started going to The Ossington. He liked Andrew. Andrew made him some toast.

'I want you to stop hurting people.' Andrew jokes. 

Andrea doesn't think it's funny. The night was called 'Intervention Mondays'. Monica bullied Andrea. Andrea doesn't see anything divine about this woman. Andrea is the one who claims to have mystical experiences. This was kind of ironic. Hipsters like irony, but Andrea doesn't like this. This wasn't a very amusing thing and Andrea wishes she hadn't bothered. All her life she hated people like them in a sense deep down inside. Conventional middle class people with arrogant, snotty attitudes. People who would roll their eyes to show their impatient with somebody with a mental health problem. But, this is Andrew's close friend. This would be why Andrea thinks they aren't compatible. Andrew gets along better with a callous, fashion conscious woman. This doesn't seem very heart oriented. This seems like a bunch of fashion conscious people out seeking faux glamor. They want their box of chocolates. They want their social convention. They want their yuppie lifestyles. They want their outfits to match. They are armed with crimping irons and are removing all of the static. They don't need to sit and read occult literature. They feel smart making jokes about mayor Rob Ford and the crack smoking fiasco.

'I can't let it go. I want it to be that you're a bad person. I don't want to think about how stupid this is.'

Andrea remembers Andrew's young girlfriend and how annoying she might have looked. She kind of looked mainstream. She kind of looked middle class. She kind of looked normal and that wasn't what Andrea had imagined. They went out spinning records. This wasn't what Andrea had thought. She looked like a young girl. She looked like 1980s. She looked like 1980s, but she might have been born in the 1990s. Well, she was probably born in the 1980s. This was about 5 years ago. She couldn't have been that young. Andrew probably likes them young.

Andrea would have preferred to raise a family. This kind of upsets people when they are drawn towards this. This kind of makes Andrea feel shitty. She doesn't realize what it is. She is embarrassed that she chased after him. He would never like a woman for something deeper. They're armed with their crimping irons. Their hair spray is ready to sting your eyes. They are going to tweeze their eyebrows. That's how they will fight social oppression. They don't really understand that engaging in this behavior when hanging out with a womanizer looks kind of stupid. It won't look like a strong woman. It won't look very good. It will look like buying into consumerism and allowing women to be treated like meat.

It's not fun to be bothered with a bunch of irritating bitches. Andrea cares nothing for their fad items and she's not going to be on Ossington. This will not be where she hangs out. She will hang out elsewhere. Andrew is not her soul mate, but it was a bit confusing. He lived right around the corner when Andrea did her divinations. It seemed like something romantic. Something that could have been really special, Something that could have been really special, but was made into something crappy.

Andrea's mother doesn't encourage her to believe that men are worth it. She feels like she is giving in to her mother's negative ideas. She doesn't really like it. It's like a repeating record in her head. Men being abusive. Men being alcoholics. Men being womanizers. Never can there be a good man. Andrea tried to not believe this. Andrea tried to believe that there would be love. Andrea tried to make her mother's weight not about her. Andrea tried to think these things could be overcome. They made sure her heart was ripped out. They made sure that it was hurtful. They made sure it was as hurtful as it could be and they acted really patronizing. They acted like they were better. Them and their nice outfits. They treated her like garbage and now she is not happy.

'I really don't want it to be that.'

It would have been kind of nice if it had been true. If it had been true. That the picture had meant something. That the divinations had been correct. That something had occurred. But, never for Andrea. Not for the girl whose mother is a fat slob. Not the girl brought up on welfare. Not the girl who has never met her father. They are going to act as snotty as they can and make sure she feels that she isn't good enough.

'It CAN be you!' they mock her with a photo.

They mock her once again. The girl with the mother who weighed half a ton. The girl who wanted a couple of kids and a bit of a garden. The girl who wanted a few things more than this. She didn't want to be hospitalized. She didn't want to be in pain. She didn't want to live on disability. She wanted to live her life. Monica wants it to be that she needed you to hurt her. Who would have it any other way? Why hurt somebody who is important? Knock down the girl who has been knocked down all her life. You know who to hurt. The girl who is in anguish. The person trying to put on a brave face. The person trying to pull herself out of a hole.

'I want to hate you.' Monica thinks.
  You hate Andrea for stupidity. This is a shitty thing. You don't admit how stupid it is. You want Andrew to be you boyfriend. You get to sleep with him. You get part of what you want and that's good enough for you.

'I really don't think about it beyond this.'

'I really want it to be that we're just friends.'

A lot of rumors get started. Andrea gets all kinds of messages which talk about Andrew and Monica having sexual relations.