Hurtful Hating Hurt

I really wish I could live my life. This is how painful it is. I want you to leave me alone. These are irrational words. Somebody is bothering me on the inside. I am getting her insulting me in my head. I feel her typing out gossipy things and sending off messages. I really wish I didn't know them. I really wish we hadn't met. They don't make me feel very happy. It's not something that seems that great. I really wish I could enjoy my life. I deleted everyone. I went and messaged a lot of people. My Holy Guardian Angel told me to. I know I have a bad habit which I have clung to throughout my whole life. Avoiding situations. Avoiding all the strife. Avoiding conflict as much as I can. Avoiding picking up the phone. Avoiding sending messages. Spending all my time alone. I find intimacy very threatening. I find it very hard to trust any person. To spend time with anyone. I really wish I could. I really wish I felt safe. I wish these people weren't bothering me.

'I want it to be that she hates herself.'

The woman told Andrea to flee for her life. I guess Andrea's mother probably would have liked that. I wish that it wasn't this painful to not have any family. To have trouble with intimacy. To have trouble making friends. To never feel quite good enough. To never feel worth it. To never feel like you are fun to be around. To feel nervous and on your edge. To find all situations anxiety inducing. To be afraid of everything. I wish it was a little different. I wish my confidence was true. I wish I was able to carry it off. Nit to have this happen.

'I want you to hate yourself. I want to be the one everybody likes. I want to be able to message them about how stupid you are. I want to tell them how fat you look. I want to tell them how ugly you are. I want to complain about that stupid thing you said. I want to make people think your ugly. I don't really care if you wish you were dead.'

There are people who want to commit suicide. Some of them are little girls. Girls who don't feel pretty. Girls who aren't quite good enough. Girls from lower income families. Girls who have never met their dads. Girls whose mothers are really mean to them. Andrea will remember that. You want it to be a different idea. A story about a cottage. Something nice and pretty. Not a 10 year old trying to commit suicide. Andrea will not remember what would have made her feel that way. She would have taken the ventolin inhaler and inhaled the entire thing. She held a blanket over her head. None of this really worked. It's not easy for a 10 year old to kill herself. It doesn't always work.